Being a woman is an empowering thing. Nowadays we are working women, mothers, caregivers, entrepreneurs, creative writers, CEO’s…I could go on and on. An amazing thing about being a woman in my opinion is that we are able to be mothers and birth these little 8 pound human beings.
I am getting to the end of my pregnancy. To the point where any little tummy pain I get I immediately wonder if it’s the starting of labour or not.
I remember my first pregnancy. With the exception of some morning sickness early on, I went through most of it feeling fantastic, strong and so ready to meet my little girl. When labour started it hurt like hell, lasted forever and had me spending the first few hours throwing up every few minutes in a trashcan in my soon to be daughters nursery. Labour is not a glamorous thing but it all went textbook for me. I was able to fight through the pain, made it through the epidural which helped tremendously and allowed me to push out my baby with relative ease. After experiencing something like that, you feel like a bad ass! You want to stand at the top of a tall building and yell to everyone below what you just did. You want to pull a Lion King and show your sweet babe to everyone. As you are getting stitched up, staring at your little one you think to yourself “I can do this again. No problem!”
For the past month I have spent a lot of time reliving those moments, looking through Isla’s first photos and memories from our time in the delivery room and the hospital, feeling strong and powerful and ready to do it all over along. Ready to take this labour and delivery thing and show it who’s boss! People ask “How are you feeling? Nervous about going through labour again?” I have confidently been replying “I am ready to do it all over again and I can’t wait!” No nerves here. Just a women, gliding through the house, doing 5 things at once all while growing a baby inside my body. I am woman here me roar!
This moment right here begins the start of my maternity leave, the start of stocking newborn diapers, washing baby onesies, sterilizing bottles, packing my hospital bag, making sure the camera is fully charged and enjoying the last few days as a family of three and trying to envision the starting of our family of four. Will I be able to parent TWO children?! Will Isla adjust well to her little brother? Will I remember my nursing pillow? Will I be able to breastfeed again? Will we make it to the hospital on time? Will Isla know why I am not around as much? Will she understand what is happening? Will I be able to handle the pain…? Oh sh**! I am starting to remember things now. Really starting to remember the brutal feeling of contractions, the feeling of failure and being sent home twice because I wasn’t dilated enough, the feeling of pushing so hard I thought my head was going to explode, the feeling of walking afterwards and thinking “will I ever feel normal again?” All of these painful memories have come back into my head and now I am terrified. Walking around with my head held high has now brought me back down to earth with my tale between my legs and I am scared. Scared that I won’t be able to do it again and nervous that things won’t go as planned. I am woman here me cry.
I go back and forth in my head; happy, scared, excited, strong, blessed, terrified, nervous and then excited again because as I look at my daughter I remember my ‘why’ and all the wonderful things that come with being a mother. How I am raising our future, teaching her how to have compassion for other people and dreaming big in life and that’s all I need to look down at my moving and growing belly and know that for only a few hours of pain, I am a momma who will be able to do it all over again with this little boy and keep him safe, loved and raising him to make his mark in the world. So yes, no question about it. I am woman! Here me roar!